A breakthrough in modern health has occurred, as the multinational corporation, best known for bringing the world wonders such as Agent Orange and the basis for the gut-wrenching, child-death-extravaganza-flick, “A Civil Action,” has returned in full force with what has been described by some (Monsanto employees) as “a modern miracle” in the Genetically Modified Organisms field. Previously confined to using food to provide consumers with GMOs, some of the nation’s brightest minds have developed a groundbreaking method that will enable them to shove the organisms through an entirely new orifice.
“We ran the numbers and saw that the average young American simply was not getting their MRDD [Monsanto Recommended Daily Dose] of GMOs,” said research analyst David Speilman. “I’m sitting here thinking, ‘Where are their mothers?’ Something had to be done.”
Utilizing super advanced technology, the corporation has found a way to embed GMOs deep inside sound waves, making it possible to play music that delivers genetically tainted organisms directly into the ears of listeners. During phase one of human testing, roughly 70 percent of the people subjected to the GMDM – genetically modified dance music – reported symptoms usually linked with the most violent strains of ebola. Not to be deterred by trivialities like pesky, organ-melting side effects, Monsanto pressed on, and promises that the final version of their revolutionary method is “completely harmless.”
To showcase their newfound capabilities, Monsanto recorded a promotional video showing viewers a young dance music fan having an absolute blast trying out the GMO-infused music. We were there for the shoot.
“Oh my god, I feel so much better already,” exhaled dance fan Kyle Miller after only 15 seconds of listening to the pulse-pounding Chemical Brothers track, “Block Rockin’ Beats” (Synthetic Nutrition Remix). Miller began convulsing violently off-camera in the following minutes, but that was of course attributed to his preexisting condition, exercise-induced asthma. Monsanto plans on executing a large scale distribution of their helpful GMOs at upcoming music events, most notably at Ultra Music Festival’s “Eco Village” stage.
“What we’re attempting here dwarfs any humanitarian effort this world has ever seen,” said Speilman, “Widespread distribution of GMOs is necessary for the continuity of our species, and population stability. Without these GMOs being distributed to them, children of the world will be subjected to quote-unquote ‘natural nutrition’ – obviously disastrous.”
Are you looking forward to augmenting your paltry, nutritionally-bankrupt diet with some delectable soundwave GMOs at your next dance event? Sound off below!
The above content has been fabricated for satirical purposes and should in no way be construed as an actual record of events. Other than public figures, all names used are fictional and any resemblance to actual persons is unintentional and coincidental.