DSM-6 Announces “DJDS” As The Next Great Syndrome Affecting Youth
The go-to mental health textbook, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the “DSM”), has released their standard-setting sixth edition – and it contains some serious implications for the cultural phenomenon known to many as “EDM.” Cited within the chapter dedicated to youth disorders is a new syndrome referred to as DJDS. Reports from a multitude of notable psychologists and psychiatrists worldwide have been compiled in an attempt to explain this new disorder that has gripped millions of young people across the globe.
“DJDS is no laughing matter,” explained psychiatrist Randle Johannes, PhD. “What we’ve witnessed over the past five years is startling, and frankly, as a father of three girls, very concerning.”
According to The Manual, DJDS often onsets in an innocuous way. A young person begins attending dance music shows and festivals to hear their favorite music in a live setting. But somewhere along the way, be it by locking eyes with a particularly handsome DJ, or just identifying strongly with their music, a deeper, more troubling condition begins to take hold.
First comes the tweets. These young people will “mention” a particular DJ in their message, often exclaiming something along the lines of, “Heyy you killed it tonight #greatset #banger.” This seems harmless, but according to experts, DJDS may have already taken hold. The young person in question has already been carried away by fantasies about said DJ, and perhaps even begins work on a sign proclaiming their true feelings.
Within two to four weeks, the tweets will increase in frequency. By the time a young music fan declares that they “love” a particular DJ, the syndrome DJDS has already reached its critical phase. Tweeting or Facebooking pictures of themselves in compromising positions or wearing little clothing is now a strong possibility. The desperation for the DJD now leaks from every social media post they make like petroleum leaked from the Gulf Oil Spill. Their friends and followers cringe in empathetic embarrassment at every statement, but the patient will appear oblivious to the humiliation they are bringing upon themselves.
DJDS begins to manifest into a final, more damaging and destructive phase soon after. The patient will show up at a particular DJ’s shows and make numerous attempts to obtain backstage access, increasing in the amount of skin they display to bouncers in order to fulfill their corrupted dreams. God forbid the infected individual makes it all the way to the DJ of their dreams, the heartthrob will now be inundated with exaggerated platitudes and the inevitable picture request. With the patient seemingly unaware that said DJ takes thousands of these pictures a year, this opportunity will only serve to perpetuate both the unrequited feelings of love and the incessant social media posts. DJDS becomes a full-fledged social problem at this point, and it will take between six months to five years for the average DJDS sufferer to come to the startling realization that the man of their dreams does not in fact feel the same way about them.
The recovery period, if there is one, will be filled with sensations of loss and self-doubt. However, the problem is likely far from over – according to recent studies, the individual still has an 80 percent chance of relapsing with a new DJ in their crosshairs. The vicious cycle will continue until the patient matures to the point where they adopt a mindset grounded in reality, and discovers the ever-elusive personality trait of self-respect.
So if you recognize a friend or loved one has become afflicted, experts urge you to avoid encouraging the behavior – refrain from “likes,” “retweets,” and statements affirming the individual’s choice to sacrifice all dignity in pursuit of the mystical DJD. If we can collectively raise awareness about this syndrome, perhaps we can all look forward to a brighter future devoid of obnoxious, self-deprecating attempts to catch the attention of these DJs, and the DJs themselves can move on to providing the world with music without the fear that somewhere out there lurks a delusional fan, ready to do absolutely anything to distract them from sharing their music with the sane individuals of the world.
If you’d like to help this cause and spread awareness, stay tuned for the next Electric Family charity bracelet to raise money for DJDS sufferers, which has been cosigned by Diplo, entitled “Twerking Has Gone Too Far.”
The above content has been fabricated for satirical purposes and should in no way be construed as an actual record of events. Other than public figures, all names used are fictional and any resemblance to actual persons is unintentional and coincidental.