The sun is coming up, and the crowd has been reduced to the stragglers—sweaty eyed and moist palms. Tired jaws have ground the teeth down to the gums, and the conversation has been reduced to a hurried chatter, talking just to say words. Once everything has been exhausted, the silence encroaches, and the emptiness starts filling up the void spaces inside your head. In the early hours of the morning, the dull roar of public transportation crashes inside your mind, and the loneliness takes over. That overwhelming feeling of bleakness is unbearable. You crawl in between the sheets, but sleep will not have you. It does not want to invite you into its comforting arms. You have made your decision, and you must accept it while you toss and turn, not sure if you’ve been asleep for 5 minutes or not at all. Finally, you rise; the black cloud hangs on your brow as you pop vitamins and drink tea for comfort. You start to think back on the night before and wish you could be that happy again. You want to be with a crowd of like-minded individuals dancing to the stars, the lights flashing, and the bass pumping...You just want to be happy. So you pop another pill of MDMA.
I have done it all. I have dropped acid, snorted coke and ketamine, popped ecstasy, smoked weed, hash and whatever else, munched down mushrooms, done mystery pills, and tried powder of all kinds. I’ve freebased patches of fentanyl…I’ve even extracted the ethanol from alcohol in a dirty plastic bottle just to “smoke it”, and after inhaling, I felt like I was on the brink of death. So when I say I’m a well-seasoned [ex] drug addict, you best believe it. One thing I will never understand, though, is why the hell people keep fucking with Molly. MDMA is one of the stupidest, most fucked up drugs you can put in your body.
I popped my first pill of MDMA when I was 16. I wasn’t even going to a show that night. I was just getting mighty tired of the dirty ecstasy that was making its rounds in Montreal at the time. It was wonderful. I can’t even tell you what I did that night. Like so many other nights spent with Molly, it was a blur—I do remember the smiles, though. The mighty smiles of everyone around me.
What no one told me was that the next day was going to be shit. Absolute shit. A shittiness that can only be felt after a heavy night of MDMA.
That shittiness didn’t stop me in the beginning, though, because I felt happy...But of course I felt happy. I was tripping balls constantly on MDMA, not realizing the effect that it was taking on my body. “But this is the pure shit,” I told myself. “It’s so much better for you than ecstasy.” Looking back now, I laugh at my naivety. It’s pretty much the same drug. What dealers will never tell you is that they’ve cut it, obviously, because they need to hustle that product so they can make more money. The only difference is while you can’t cut a pill of ecstasy because it’s pre-cut, the dealer can put whatever the fuck they want in MDMA. You won’t know the difference until the pill is already surging deep in your brain, and even then, why are you so sure your connection has the pure “MDs”? Every dealer will tell you anything in order to sell you their product, because at the end of the night, they are like used car salesmen—just out to make a quick buck.
Not only do you never know what you’re getting, but the “downs” the next day aren’t worth it. Eight hours of “pure bliss” in exchange for a whole day (or more) of feeling like piss? I don’t think that’s a fair trade. Not to mention the more long-term effects, like paranoia. That’s a super fun side effect. You know when you’re always thinking people are staring at you, out to get you, following you home, and standing outside your window in the dead of night? Another one of my favorite long-term effects is the anxiety, the shaky hands, and feeling of impending doom that lingers overhead the next day, making it unbearable to go outside to get anything done unless you wear your largest sunglasses...Because everyone knows you did drugs last night. Right?
I made this simple Pro and Con list in order to fully illustrate why I don’t understand people who play with Molly:
-You feel happy for eight hours: This is literally the only upside I can think of to this drug. You feel happy for eight hours. There are so many other ways to feel happy for eight hours out of the 24 in a day. Find something better to do.
-Anxiety, paranoia, and depression (already covered).
-Lack of appetite: I don’t need to go into why this one is bad. If you can’t figure out why not eating is bad for you then you need a little bit more help than I am qualified for.
-You look dumb: Has anyone ever taken a picture of you when you’re not posing while you’re on MDMA? If this has happened to you then you are well aware of the way you look, if not then let me describe it: Sweaty palmed, eyes bulging, a grin that starts to resemble something more along the lines of The Joker than an actual smile, and your hair looks greasy, probably because you’ve been running your hands through it about 100 times a minute.
-Those “meaningful relationships” you make on MDMA aren’t real: You know that girl you spent half of the show with in the back corner talking about life, your past, your future, and everything else under the stars? Well, it wasn’t real. People on drugs are distorted, and so is your perception of them. Yeah sure, you exchanged numbers, and you probably went home together, but by the time the sun rose could you even remember what you had been talking about for hours? All those plans you made together will never come to fruition, and on top of that, you missed a massive part of a really good show.
MDMA is the stupidest drug to play with. I’m not saying you shouldn’t experiment because you should. Taking drugs can be a very liberating experience, but why would you ever take this one for fun is my question? All I’m saying is put whatever you want in your body, but there are much better ways to have a great night out...Without all the weird mental and physical side effects than the ones that come with MDMA.
Written by Gabe Gilker
Cover photo credit: NPR
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