This Product Provides the Crushing Realization That Our Lives Have Become a Cliche
Music has long been a commodified culture, spurning artistic movements into bargain shelf consumer products.
But this one takes the cake.
Bratz, the line of dolls with exaggerated make-up and guaranteed to predispose your child with a bad attitude, launched a line of ‘Music Festival Vibes’ dolls earlier this year.
Because what better role-model of pre-adolescent girls than Electro Pop Jade? The ‘out of this world’ girl who look like she’s about to rail a line on the toilet seat of a port-a-potty at Bonnaroo?
The Music Festival Vibes line isn’t just commodifying dance culture for young tweens to idolize – every market is hit with such precision to ensure that any breath of artistic achievement could be watered down and deconstructed into 5 main archetypes:
Sasha: The chick on the block that likes hip-hop and is likely to have 25,000 Instagram followers because of her #mellowvibes
Yasmin: The boho Coachella biddy who is likely to smoke all of your weed and then ask if she can Venmo you money for a zip.
Raya: The retro-swing chick that confuses both her peers and her parents for living like its 1959.
Cloe: The patriotic, All-American girl that believes Trump will ‘Make America Great Again’.
And last, but certainly not least
Jade: The girl whose eaten enough acid to think she’s actually spoken to extra-terrestrials.
The best part? In 15 years you’ll be able to tell your kid sister after they see their first DJ, “Now you understand why Jade's pupils are so big!"