This Product Provides the Crushing Realization That Our Lives Have Become a Cliche
Music has long been a commodified culture, spurning artistic movements into bargain shelf consumer products.
But this one takes the cake.
Bratz, the line of dolls with exaggerated make-up and guaranteed to predispose your child with a bad attitude, launched a line of ‘Music Festival Vibes’ dolls earlier this year.
Because what better role-model of pre-adolescent girls than Electro Pop Jade? The ‘out of this world’ girl who look like she’s about to rail a line on the toilet seat of a port-a-potty at Bonnaroo?
The Music Festival Vibes line isn’t just commodifying dance culture for young tweens to idolize – every market is hit with such precision to ensure that any breath of artistic achievement could be watered down and deconstructed into 5 main archetypes:
Sasha: The chick on the block that likes hip-hop and is likely to have 25,000 Instagram followers because of her #mellowvibes
Yasmin: The boho Coachella biddy who is likely to smoke all of your weed and then ask if she can Venmo you money for a zip.
Raya: The retro-swing chick that confuses both her peers and her parents for living like its 1959.
Cloe: The patriotic, All-American girl that believes Trump will ‘Make America Great Again’.
And last, but certainly not least
Jade: The girl whose eaten enough acid to think she’s actually spoken to extra-terrestrials.
The best part? In 15 years you’ll be able to tell your kid sister after they see their first DJ, “Now you understand why Jade's pupils are so big!"
Born and bred with the Detroit techno scene, I pledge my allegiance to the underground.