Trump Should Make the Music Business Great Again
Dave Brooks is asking the tough questions, mainly WHO can make the music industry great again?
Well, Donald Trump may be our savior.
Read this hilarious piece of satire and share with your friends!This article originally appeared on Amplify
What will Trump do after he loses the election? Thankfully for humanity’s sake, he won’t be able to make America great again, but maybe he can use some of his brainless bravado to lift up a smaller mass of plebeians who desperately want to be told how to think. That’s right, I’m talking about the Music Industry!
The music business used to be loads of fun for the white, rich guys at the top. The cocaine flowed freely, the phrase “sexual harassment” didn’t exist and if an artist complained about exploitation, you’d just drop them and move on to the next hit-maker.
Nowadays, artists are always whining about “building their careers” and “being treated like professionals.” It’s such a DRAG! What happened to winning? You used to have to sell albums to be number one. Nowadays, you get a couple thousand streams on Spotify and some DJ makes a Pandora station for you, and that makes you number one? C’mon folks. That’s what we consider winning? Getting 19 cents for a million streams on Apple Music? I don’t think so. It’s time we start making money again. It’s time we start winning again! Below are four ways Trump could make the music industry great again.
Build a Wall And Make YouTube Pay For It
The music industry is getting a raw deal from the Google-owned video site. Our leaders have negotiated a terrible revenue sharing agreement with YouTube and its awful Content ID system. It’s time someone (besides Irving Azoff) stood up to YouTube and confronted them for allowing all those babies to dance to copyrighted music!
When YouTube’s own stars misappropriate music, it’s often not done by the streaming music service’s best people. They’re sending people who might have been kidnapped, they’re sending people with ridiculous names…and some I assume are good people. But many are just downright disgusting.
We are under attack! It’s time to build a wall protecting U.S. eyeballs and ears from the videos that YouTube is sending us. Sure it would be a huge undertaking to build the cyber wall, but don’t worry, Trump would make Google pay for it. YouTube’s CEO Susan Wojcicki scoffed at the idea and told Amplify “I’m not going to pay for that F***ing Cyber Wall.” Guess what Susan. You will. And that wall just got 10 feet higher.
Blanket Ban on All DJs Entering the Country
What is it with these EDM DJs? They do not share our values. They just stand at they’re massive DJ consoles and wave their hands in the air. They keep telling us to wait for the bass to drop. Here’s the thing David Guetta…I’m tired of waiting.
This lack of guitar amps and drum pedals is killing music. Big rock shows like Pitchfork and Govenor’s Ball now have huge areas of the festival where security guards wearing AC/DC t-shirts won’t even patrol. There’s even a tent at a MAJOR festival in Indio where only EDM music is played. Its name? You’re not gonna believe this folks. The Sahara Tent. That’s right…Sa-Ha-RA. The people in this tent are totally incapable of policing themselves.
Worst off, these DJs are demanding performance credits on songs they don’t even sing! Why the hell should Calvin Harris get credit for the song “This is What You Came For” when it’s clearly
Taylor Swift Rhianna singing into autotune. It’s time for Donald J Trump to call for a complete and total shutdown of DJs entering the country, until we can figure out what the hell is going on. That may sound a bit unpresidential, but fear not. His advisors are currently working on Trump to soften his position. One source told us he’s considering only banning DJs from Scandinavian countries….as well as all Muslims.
Read two other ways Trump can make the music industry great again! View the full satirical piece by Dave Brooks over at Amplify.