It’s definitely no secret that music festivals beget some pretty crazy stuff. Whether it’s dozens of people simultaneously breaking into Lollapalooza, thousands of bees swarming the Electric Forest food trucks, or Dillon Francis getting nailed in the face with a can of cola… The list goes on.
No matter how many times we watch naked dudes wrestle nine burly cops at once (and win), or see riots break out at water stations, though, one thing never fails to stupefy: people who bring their babies to EDM events.
With that in mind, this purely objective and fact-based article explores 10 reasons why babies should not be brought to electronic music festivals.
1. They aren't that bright
Straight up, babies just aren’t that smart. It doesn’t matter if a child is the next incarnation of Einstein or Mozart, an infant’s brain is 30% the size of an adult’s, and they will not be an actively contributing member of anyone’s festie fam.
2. No object permanence
According to babies, as soon as something disappears from view, it disappears from existence. This makes it literally impossible for them to remember where the tickets are stashed. Way to go, baby.
3. Extremely short
The average adult human is about 5.5 feet tall. A baby has to be, what, 1 or 2 feet tall at the most? That means they can't see over anyone. Coupled with their lack of object permanence, they're basically useless when it comes to finding the squad.
4. Terrible eyesight
Babies can only see 8-14 inches in front of them. Not only are they too short to see above anyone, but they’re extremely nearsighted, too. In other words, babies can only see the stage from the rail or closer, and honestly we're kind of over that.
5. No kneecaps
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Kneecaps don’t form until three years or older, so babies can barely even walk at a brisk pace (if at all). This is absolutely not helpful when it’s time to navigate the crowd or move quickly to the next set.
6. Tiny stomach, very picky
A baby’s stomach is literally the size of a walnut, and they have more dietary restrictions than vegans. In addition to that, they must eat all the time and are hangry pretty much always. Doesn’t the squad have enough people like that already?
7. Always defacating
A walnut-sized stomach means babies are pretty much perpetually going to the bathroom. When infants empty themselves out every 20-30 minutes, it doesn’t matter how many times the squad stops at the bathroom, the squad baby will always soil itself. Embarrassing much?
8. They sleep so much
Babies sleep all the time, otherwise they will scream. Some need up to 18 hours a day or more, which makes them absolutely antithetical to music festivals (surprise!). With that sleep schedule, the squad baby probably won’t catch that 4:00 AM Diplo B2B What So Not secret set, and that’s honestly pretty lame.
9. Will put literally anything in their mouths
Yep, babies are that guy, that one dude who will pop literally any groundscore in his mouth. That’s bad for so many different reasons.
10 . 4-5% of newborns lactate
Yes, that’s a scientific fact. Here’s another: no one in the universe wants an infant in their squad, lactating or otherwise. After you vaccinate your babies, please stop bringing them to music festivals.
Brian Baker is a writer, photographer, and designer based out of St. Louis. You can find his portfolio here.